3 BFNs and a Wedding
Donor cycle didn't work. On the other hand, we finally decided to tie the knot.
http://photokinetic.net/blog/?p=23 click on wedding slide show (
Atlantis,
Delamar, CT)
all images copyrighted to Denise Cregier, whom I highly recommend for any event. She's wonderful! (These are low res images - just done as a sample.)
Cheers!
tHINKING ABOUT GIVING IT ALL UP?
Your blog, I mean. There is help. Not that it helped me but...it's a fun read.
http://thenonist.com/index.php/weblog/permalink/a_nonist_public_service_pamphlet/For all of you who have sent private emails asking what's up - thank you, I'm OK. Still didn't start the DE cycle but have chosen a donor. Planning killer vacation for my b-day in late April this year. Then we'll do this thing.
I still check in on all of you guys once in a while. Happy for those of you who caught the ship out; sad for those of us still here on the Isle of Misfit Mommy Wannabes. Still missing Chez Miscarriage.
So, here's the thing . . .
Bitter.
Angry.
Sad.
Jealous.
Fat.
And worst of all, boring.
I started my "mock" cycle this month. After not having my period for 3 months, they tested me and my FSH was 28. No eggs or ovulation for that entire time.
Assuming all goes well, next Tuesday I will get the egg donor profiles for review. Within 2-3 months I'll be starting my DE cycle.
This summer has been a time of reflection for me. Significant vacation time spent with BH's daughter(10) and his nephew (2) made me really wonder if I have the temperament to be a mother. It was stressful and trying and not very relaxing or rewarding. However, these are not my children. I'm sure Ed's sister has many precious moments with her son every day that I don't see. I'm looking forward to having those moments of my own.
A friend called yesterday to tell me her sister is pregnant. Let me just spell this one out for you. Her sister was 40 when she got married to a man who is still finishing up his doctorate in another state. They do not live together. After 6 months of marriage, they decided to "try" to get pregnant. She is now 41 and apparently hit it the first shot.
If you recall, last summer within weeks of my own miscarriage, 2 friends of the above mentioned friend also miscarried. One of them delivered her daughter last month and the other (the one who felt it was necessary to replace a few meals each day with cigarettes) has scheduled her delivery (via induction) on Oct 2nd.
So here's my big FUCK YOU to the universe. I'm still trying (unsuccessfully) to lose weight and I'm still not pregnant. So I'll do the DE cycle and if it doesn't work, I'll carry on with my life childless and that is that.
In addition, I start a new job on Monday. One where I'm not responsible for nearly half the company's N.American revenue and therefore working until midnight every New Year's Eve, and every other month for end of quarter stuff. I'm going to be Marketing Director for the Northeast for a very well known company. They're paying me about the same but there's more opportunity for bonuses and advancement. I expect to see VP on my resume within 3-5 years. All is on track.
A year ago I was burning out on the infertility thing. I stumbled upon
Chez Miscarriage - and what a delightful find it was! I checked out all her links to the Vagina Possee and also
Julie's Girls Gone Riled list. I identified with these ladies and their plight. I felt I was one of them. I BELONGED.
Today, Julie,
Tertia,
Jo, and Grrl are all mothers and I'm left standing here all by myself.
Danae - if you still blog at all - you have my most heartfelt sympathy. You WERE one of them and being the only one without a child today must be really hard. I know how I feel on the outside looking in - but you, you were right there with them. Well, you have my cell. Call me anytime to chat if you feel like it.
Karen, I can't wait to see photos of you and Maya.
Emily - another woman with whom I identified (but then unintentionally hurt - for which I'm so sorry) is still out here with Danae and I. But certain of her posts make me feel like she's on her way too. Em, if you're out there, I'm off to pursue my own Crate and Barrel life. Good luck with everything!
This last week, our laptop crashed and we had to re-load the entire operating system and all tools from scratch. It may have been the best thing to happen to me. Without the computer, I no longer spent hours every day blogging. I mowed the lawn, exercised, shopped and cooked nutritious, healthy meals, I started making curtains for our bedroom and bathroom (finally!) and generally got back to living my life. I used to have about 40 blogs on my favorites list. Now I've lost them - along with the link to my own stat counter. It's better this way.
I still read a few really clever bloggers,
Julia of Hippogriffs fame, is one of my very favorites. I still check out Julie and Tertia now and then but since nearly every post is about their families now, I have to limit myself for my own sanity.
So, there you have it. This is my last post. I have a few book ideas floating around and if I spent half as much time on them every day as I do blogging, well, who knows?
Anyway, it's been great getting to know you guys. Thanks for all your support and good luck in each of your individual pursuits.
Susan
Perpetually Luteal
So, Joie got me thinking. I haven't had my period since July 5th. I've taken 5 HPTs - all BFNs.
However, every month around the 12th, I still get that goopy mucus oozing out when I piddle.
I know. TMI.
Is it possible to ovulate but not menstruate?
DUH, I tink dat's what dey call MENOPAUSE.
I hate my body. Fat, lumpy, broken knees, menopausal fucking thing.
I'm gonna trade it in on a new one. If I can't have kids, I think I'll spend all that IVF money on plastic surgery.
Get me a tummy tuck and lipo. Open my sagging eyelids up a bit. Stuff some restalyn into the creases alongside my nose, botox my crows feet and forehead, whiten my teeth and VIOLA! I'll be a new woman. If it doesn't make me look like a circus freak a la
Burt Reynolds, I'll post before and after photos.
Oh, who am I kidding? I'll spend the money on a donor egg cycle just as soon as I find out what the hell's up with my no-show period. More on that as I find out.
A determined saunter
So, the entire universe is conspiring against me. No, it's true. I swear.
I'm not sure what the luteal phase (per Joie's comment on the last post) is of my cylce, but since I haven't had my period since July 5th, and because the universe truly is conspiring against me, I'm certain that I'm stuck in the luteal phase for all of eternity.
I might as well go make brownies.
And eat the entire mothereffing thing.
But I won't. You guys are right. I just have to hang with it. Tomorrow will mark the beginning of week 4 for me and the program is only a 6 week thing. What's 3 more weeks? I can do it.
Sure I can! Say it with me now - I think I can, I think I can. Hey! What a great idea for a book! There'll be this little choo choo train, and, what? Oh. Already taken eh?
Anyway...
So, do I think I could make this work for the rest of my life, as I had originally thought?
No. But the extremely limited food and beverage choices, the no salt, yadda yadda were only meant to be just that - a 6 week thing.
What I'll take away from this program, which I'm sure will help me in the long run, is this:
1. Portion control. A half a split chicken breast is not 1 serving, it's 2 or 3. (You notice how I have to keep writing this stuff down? Trying to get it through my thick skull!)
2. Watch the sodium. It's in practically everything. I really don't need to add it. This will be the hardest for me. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you I put salt in or on nearly everything I ever put in my mouth. Apples, watermelon, grapefruit? There was a time when I would have loaded every delicious bite with salt. An ideal snack for me used to be 2 or 3 slices of Swiss cheese with salt sprinkled on top.
A ham sandwich? - salted of course. Bacon, egg and cheese on a hardroll? Salty saltidy salt.
3. If I get good coffee (like green mountain), I can put significantly less than 1/4 cup of cream in it and it will still taste good.
4. I don't have to kill myself exercising to burn fat. I don't have to have a personal trainer or lots of expensive equipment. All I have to do is get my fat ass up off the couch (i.e., stop blogging so damn much) and outside for a walk. I don't have to run. I don't even have to jog. I just have to walk. And not all that briskly, as I've discovered, through the clever use of my heart monitor. No more brisk walking for me. (It uses those "fast twitch" muscles anyway). Nope, from now on I'll be doing nothing more than a "determined saunter" as BH calls it.
5. The IPOD is truly the most important invention of the past century. Oh, I'm not knocking computers, cell phones and hybrid cars mind you. And I do likes my meat cooked so that fire thing? Aces in my book. But seriously. The IPOD kicks ass!
In short kiddies, I'm off to saunter determinedly toward the beach with the dogs, who haven't had a nice long walk all summer due to that pesky NO DOGS ON THE BEACH rule that they only enforce from Memorial day through Labor Day.
By the way, I think I may have found a new job. Remember when I was having such a hard time at work? Weeeelllll, we sort of reached a mutual agreement that I would be leaving this month no matter what. And with all my vacation time, etc to use, this Tuesday will be my last day.
Yay for me! More on the new job once I have the signed offer letter in hand. And - what balls do I have? I asked for a $15,000 signing bonus plus $15k more per year than I'm presently making. I'll know by close of business on Monday if they'll do it or not.
Wish me luck!
Oh, and thanks for the pep talk. I was really feeling down and you guys helped pull me out of it, as always! A couple of you mentioned that a temporary weight gain after hard exercise is common. I never knew that!!! Made me feel better - thanks!
Check In with Me, please
I don't know about you guys, but this diet thing is not going so well for me.
I had lost nearly 5 lbs this holiday weekend. I didn't go to any picnics and eat bad things. In fact, on Sunday, I temporarily lost my mind and walked for 2 hours.
I know. Sick.
But I was determined to see the back side of 170. When I got on the scale Monday morning however, I had gained 1.5 lbs.
What the fuck?
It seems no matter how hard I work, no matter how good I am (I cut the cheese out of my morning omelet by the way and have stopped eating salt, getting sodium only where it occurs naturally, like in certain veggies - because everyone needs some sodium), and yet I can't lose weight.
I am so depressed about this. I've walked longer and stronger this past week without any good results.
I don't quite know what to do.
Any suggestions? I'm really feeling low on this. Please share your stories with me so I can see how it's going for everyone else who decided to join me on this. And if you used a plan that worked for you and became a lifestyle (meaning you didn't go back to unhealthy habits after the 'diet' was over and you still kept the weight off), please share that with me.
I'm just so tired of working so hard to lose weight and not having any success.
People from Bad Homes
This morning while I was loading songs on the IPOD my darling BH got me last week, I heard some songs I haven't heard in so long!
Fashion by David Bowie is one of those songs. I love the lyrics.
Other songs, like Closer by Nine Inch Nails I love because of the beat, but the lyrics are pretty fun too (what a tramp!)
And Marylin Manson's version of Your Own Personal Jesus ROCKS THE HOUSE!
All in all, I loaded about 35 songs and it kept me walking today for an hour and a half.
Usually I'm dragging ass by the time that hour mark hits. But not today. I heart my IPOD.
But what a freak I am in my music tastes. You remember Dion? Wanderer. I downloaded it.
Frankie Goes To Hollywood? Relax, I got it.
Tainted Love by Soft Cell? Yep.
And that's just the 60's and 80's.
I'm trying to get The Music Sounds Better With You by Stardust but can't find it anywhere. Also cannot get Usher's Yeah to load off Yahoo music.
I Will Love Again by Lara Fabian is one of my favorites and I can't get that sucker to load either.
And I can't find Fired Up by the Funky Green Dogs anywhere. But I will persevere.
I also realized that I got "tribute" songs done by other artists instead of Guns N Roes Paradise City and Sweet Child of Mine so I'll have to go in and switch them out.
But I highly recommend music to help your workout. It inspired me!
Good luck!
Open your hearts
I received this from Natalee and wanted to pass it along:
Hey Suz,I just wanted to let you know that my hubby and I *are* going to get a truck of stuff to drive to the Dallas refugees (I HATE that word, but it's true) when they arrive in Big D. Would you please be kind enough to pass the info along in your blog to those who might be interested in helping? I'd really appreciate it. Please visit this blog site for more info: http://donationstodallas.blogspot.com . Thanks,NatPlease visit the site and help out in any way you feel you can.
I also wanted to say this - If every church across the nation adopted one family who is suffering from Katrina, I really believe that we could pull them out of this alive. Please consider asking your church to adopt one family and drive donations for the next 3, 6 or 12 months, whatever it takes to help these people get back on their feet.
If you think this is an idea that would work, please use your blog or any of your friends who are willing to post it, to get the support of churches across the nation.
Thanks.
New Orleans
The last time I was in New Orleans, well, the only time I was there, it was for a big corporate meeting and I brought my sister along for the visit.
Let me just tell you up front, that my sister, C, who used to be so shy in high school that one teacher cracked that he used to sit her in the sunshine and water her every now and then, now has no shame.
She got PLENTY of beads (and I think we all know what that means).
She hit on my ex-boss (who I'll admit is a scrumptious little morsel).
She had room service deliver sixers of beer on ice to the room daily.
We toured a grave yard, which are all above ground due to the fact that New Orleans is, well, below sea level (no pun intended).
Ah, well. Bourbon Street needed a good scrubbing anyway. It reeked of vomit and urine the whole time we were there (end of July 2004).
We'll have to go back once they've got everything all fixed up and see what it's like now.
I thought about renting a truck, going to Costco and grabbing all the not needing to be cooked food items I could afford and driving down there. Then I realized that I'd probably not be able to get the truck through to where it was really needed and decided to make a cash donation instead.
Last night, BH received a phone call from Discover Card Fraud Department asking him if a $5,000 charge was indeed his purchase. Turns out great minds think alike. Not quite the same as driving a truck of stuff down there but, hopefully it will help.
I don't want to seem cynical or anything but. . .
Every time I read another story about Katrina and New Orleans, I have to wonder what all those idiots were thinking.
Honestly, what does "MANDATORY EVACUATION" mean to you?
If I heard those words - 5 days before a storm actually hit mind you - I'd roll up my most expensive oriental rugs and put them, along with all my irreplaceable artwork, photos and pets, into my car and get the fuck out of town.
But no, these folks have been quoted over and over again saying things like, "I don't care if the wind gets to 100 mph, I'm not leaving my house."
Well, okay.
Now you have to live with that decision, for better or worse.
And all of our tax dollars are going to be spent to save your stupid ass instead of going directly to the clean up and repair of your utilities.
Fucking idiots.
